Day One...

First of all. BIG LOVE to Bill, who it seems has had his surgery, and is doing well! Hope he isn`t in too much pain, bless him.
AM - Today, in my opinion, will be one of the hardest days! Not because it is hard to not speak for a day - it isn`t in one sense. But what IS hard is suppressing natural reactions and instincts. Simple things like when you hurt yourself or drop something, and say " Sh*t " without even thinking! Or if the bird is screaming the house down - " shut up! " Lol. Even talking to yourself - reading something aloud. When you are actively trying not to say one word, it`s suprising to realise how much you actually say, that you normally wouldn`t even consciously acknowledge. So yeah ... hard. I`ve already almost blown it twice! Once by knocking my coffee over, and now the builders next door have begun drilling the walls and Gronk ( my crow ) is really scared. I`m trying to comfort him, but usually I talk to him all the time, and he is already puzzled by my silence. :-((
Someone asked me on msn yesterday, " but how will we know for sure that you haven`t spoken? " Well, of course, the answer to that is " you won`t. " All I can say is this - if I speak, and then lie about it, who am I hurting? You? Me? There is nothing riding on this, nothing that requires me to be succesful. Well, ok, there IS the small amount of sponsor money I might make for the dvd watching at the THUKST meet up, but to be honest, now that my show is cancelled and I have more cash than expected, I would have happily donated more to cover what was needed. So, the fact is, if I lie - if I speak and then say I haven`t, the only person I would be cheating is Bill. Not anyone else - as it`s not about them - it`s about Bill. Because at the heart of this whole thing, is really only the need to stand by him through this. So it would completely defeat the object to be untruthful about it, even though know that this is not actually helping him in any way!
Anyway, enough rambling! I`ll be back tonight to let you know if I made it through the first day! Lol!
PM - Well, that`s day one pretty much over. I got loads more sponsors than I thought, so I`m happy with that. But it`s been weird. I never realised how much one person can affect a whole group. All my mates were really quiet today, which is so unlike them. Even being online is not so easy. Normally I sit on here and chat with whoever is in the house - mum, the twins, mates. But when you have to write everything down that you want to say it`s not possible, lol. Last thought for the day is for Bill. I wonder how he is feeling and if he`s ok ......